About me

When did it all start?
I suppose the psychiatrists would say it was at conception, but I was too young to remember that.
My earliest memories are {like those of a lot of other tgirls} of trying on my mothers clothes at about the age of ten. It was everything that a girl normally tries on shoes, dresses, undies - all a bit too big really. Too my knowledge I was never caught - at least mum never said anything.
I didn't really play with boys, I played with other children when there were girls arround. At that time a boy playing with (only) girls was seen as definately 'sissy', and I was already an outsider - being the only English family in a Scottish village.
Since I lived at home throughout school and college, I continued in this 'borrowing' mode until I was married - at least things fit a bit better as I grow up.
At that time I got married, it was still very much frowned on thing was being a 'transvestite' - I am not sure that I really thought of myself as that even then. So telling my new wife was definitely out of the question.
The middle years.
Because of this during most of my married life it has only been possible to dress on the odd evening my wife was out, or if I was away at work in a hotel. I was lucky in having a job which took me away on conferences, team meetings and courses. This gave me a chance to dress in the slightly more 'safe' surroundings of a hotel bedroom. Meals in the room gave me more time - just throw on a dressing gown when the food arrived. It was the nearest I got to being in public. My wife never enquired why I needed a larger bag just for one night away.
At that time I did not have a wardrobe of my own clothes. For two reasons - (a) there was nowhere in the previous homes where I could safely hide a load of clothes, and (b) I was too scared to buy anything for myself.
Later I got away with the odd pair of pants, bra and tights (horrible things). But everything else had to be borrowed. The clothes now were in the current fashion ( mum's stuff before I was married was a bit dated!).
I have all my life got on better with girls/females than men. I found female bosses much easier to interact with. I even had a female manager who said I showed a very feminine attitude to work and colleges - little did she really know!

Two young children made it more difficult to dress at home, so I was again resricted to hotel room when away on work. It also meant us moving to a larger house - which had the advantage of space to hide some of my own clothes.

Throught this period (and later) I kept having guilt sessions, so would purge the clothes and have periods of 'drought'. I'm still not sure what was worse the guilt or the drought. No it was definately the drought periods. Each had its own (but different) feelings - anxiety, guilt, deception, even almost depression.

The only good thing about the purging was that a brand new set of clothes could be built aquired. I say aquired as many were actually my wife's cast offs - which did not quite reach the bin when she threw them out!

The kids eventually left home - more time for me to dress without fear of them waking up when my wife was out in an evening.

Towards the end of my working life I had the misfortune to have angina, but my boss gave me the opportunity to work from home. What do they say when one door closes, another opens. Out of adversity comes a new beginning. It gave me the opportunity to be dressed all day and still work. Although silly me it took several months for the fact to dawn on me - I suppose the ritual dressing (drab) for work was difficult to discard initially.

When I retired at 58, I actually lost out in some ways as I no longer had the nights away in hotels, no chance to wear nighties, or to put on a bit of make-up. It was always difficult to this at home as my wife could come home (or daughter could drop in) at any time. Still it meant I now had the daytime free to window shop.

Although I had been involved with computers since the '80s, I had never found out about 'forums' (my background was hardware and databases maily). But now in retirement, I had time to browse the net, and I found an amazing thing - I was not alone. There were hundreds of people just like me - men in lady's clothing who were not gay, and were not 'queer', in fact it was almost common place - at least to lonely me. They were hetrosexual men who just liked (no preferred) to dress in proper clothes. I was not odd!

However it gave me another dilema. Everyone had a name! I would need a name! But what would I choose, after all it had always up to then been "Just Me". And 'Justine' came from there. Now I seemed to fit better!

'Justine's Story'
So my life as Justine began. Still married and still in love with my wife. But I definately now had two lives. I joined forums, and found out all about my other self. That other 'girls' (yes - Justine was now a girl) went out to dressing services, and some even went out dressed in public.
If I was to go out (not that I thought I ever would dare) I would need a wig. I'd never had a wig before! So I went to the only place I knew of - yes - a fancy dress shop and bought a cheap blonde wig. How horrible when I now look back.

I started to build up my own wardrobe of clothes that I want to wear. It has only been over the last couple of years - since I discovered TV/TS/TG web forums (*). I bought things mainly in shops "its for my wife", and then over the internet once I got used to my sizing. Gosh I was forever taking things back in the early times.

Over the next year (2008) I started venturing out. Initially it was at night in the car when my wife was out with friends. It was always very hurried (apart from the fear factor) - I had to get dressed and made up, get out and back and then cleaned up before she got home. So normally all in only about a couple of hours - it took me an hour to put my make up on so it didn't leave much 'out' time.

I discovered a local support group which I atttended - under the pretence of going to a local camera club. My wife still did not know of 'Justine'. This gave me further confidence, and I went to a couple of dressing services(#), and even went out with a group of girls for a meal in Manchester (thanks Teela).

This I suppose was the big break-through in my life. I realized that there was a life for Justine. No longer a closet TV. Now fully fledged and one of the girls. I now ventured out shopping dressed for my own clothes.

The only problem was the secret was now much bigger and this made me unhappy and sad. Why sadly do you say - well we share everything else and I hate keeping this a secret, but I dread to think of what it would do to our relationship if I told her now. But I realized I really would have to tell my wife. But how? I read the forums I asked my now friends and the wife of one of the 'girls' I went out with.

I was almost set for telling her - when the worst happened. In November 2008, my wife found some magazines whilst I was away. Clumbsy of me! Instead of me telling her, she imediately thought the worst of me and I thought my world had ended.

I thought I would be thrown out, and started looking for flats to rent. Yes, I had to leave our home. One of the saddest times of my life. Over the next few days (10) we conversed. We did not actually talk, we sent each other text messages and emails; I sent her links to 'favourable' web sites. I left her some photos of Justine - in case she could bring herself to look at them. I wanted to show I was not a 'slut', but tried to dress 'sensibly'. I sent her sloppy messages, and told her how I actually felt - to show I still loved and cared for her. It was still me inside. {If you are reading this darling - please excuse the 'she' and 'her' - I don't want to write your name in the story - maybe like a friend I should call you MrsJ}.

MrsJ began to realize that I was not gay, and I was still faithful to her. I am not sure at that time she wether she accepted, understood or tollerated my feminine side. I know she tried to do. I think part of her still thought it would all pass over in time.

MrsJ tried to embrace Justine, bought her pyjamas, and bit and bobs. She even attended a couple of dinners out with the girls. But maybe we tried to run too soon. It got too much, and after about 4 or 5 months, MrsJ dropped back to the 'tollerate' stage. I don't think I realized how much things had deteriorated until we had another talk, and she said that she realized that I would/could not change.

At the moment the good times in my life are also the bad times. I (like most tgirls) feel at my best when I am dressed and out with the girls, but this is the time I realize I am not with my wife, and she must be sitting uncomforable at home. Or trying to chat normally with her friends or our daughter. We text each other whilst Justine is away, I know she has a problem with mental images of Justine when we actually talk.

We are still married and I am still in love with her (Ahhhh! did you say). I regret not having told her much earlier in our marriage, but at the same time it has saved many years of anguish for her that I know she now has.

At present she does not want to see me dressed, but is 'willing' for me to go out with the girls, and has bought me a few items of clothing - even borrowed some of mine! Never sure how much MrsJ wants to know about the times I am Justine, so I just wait for her to ask.

So what next?
MrJ retires next year, and this will mean we get to spend more time together, doing things we both enjoy together. But it also means that Justine will have less time to herself. So I think we need to have another sit down and talk to see where we go from here.

Why do I do it?
There is no deep past history reason that I can think of - I just like looking nice. Why should it be just the genetic-girls (GGs) that have all the pleasure of dressing looking fabulous - not saying I look fabulous but I do try.
To answer some people's thoughts - its not a sexual thing, its more a feel good thing. I do not derive any sexual pleasure from wearing women's clothes, at least not any more than any average woman does from wearing her own clothes, I imagine.

The pleasure that I get from women's clothing is
1) Existential: finally, relief! I get to present who I really am instead of hiding, pretending to be someone unreal. As Salman Rushdie said, "I'm tired of hiding."
2) Aesthetic: I love beauty, and I love fabrics that are soft to the touch.

I enjoy anything long, flowing, and romantic. A little black lace number is a winner. As are slik flowing dresses and skirts. My favorite accessories are lace shawls. Also, I could go for Indian and Middle Eastern styles - sari, but not tried any yet.

Above all I feel 'comfortable' dressed.

My style
I suppose it is conservative (small 'c'). I like to think I achieve a natural woman look, maybe verging towards the country girl look.
Yes I have a few of the mini's and way out clothes - what girl doesn't!
I like to look good - maybe stand out a little - not too much to be obviously male in drag - ugggg.

Am I gay?
I think you may have gathered that I am in no way gay. I am a healthy heterosexual who likes the company of girls - whether they be GGs or tgirls. I have always got on better with the female's in my life (I now understand why that has been so).
I have no intention of having a sex change. I sometimes think that a few less wrinkles round the eyes would be nice (what girl doesn't); a pair of natural boobs would be nice but it is amazing what a pair of fillers can do.

Shopping
My income has to stretch three ways {Justine, my wife and my other self}. All this means that I have to find clothes, makeup, etc at the best possible price.
Make-up - I did use Boots, but have recently discovered Mac - there goes the budget agian!
Clothes - everyday clothes mainly from the likes of M&S, Matalan and good 'charity shops' {some real gems can be found here}. But for special outfits, I search the sales in Debonhams, Monsoon, etc.
Shoes - I have tried mail order (just make sure they have a good returns policy), but I find that the only way is to try them on. Even male shoes differ on me 9-10, and my feet are fairly broad. So I have a problem with ladies shoes. We have a couple of 'outlet' villages nearby and I generally try there. Brantano, Next and Evans have some larger sizes.
Personal Shopper - Other girls have discovered the brilliant services of a personal shopper. I need to investigate this as a way of finding out which style and colour suits my build and personality. After all real girls are taught by mum and friends - and even then get it wrong. I bet afterwards I would find that at least half my wardrobe should never have been looked at never mind bought!

 

(*) - forums - a great thing - if you have not seen them look at my tgirl sites sites page and join one now.
(#) - dressing services - there are some really great ones. They will teach you lots and make you feel special (in a nice way). Make some time, save some pennies and go - I have my favourite listed on the tgirl sites page.